The last five years have been nothing short of full on, and the one word that keeps popping into my head, is balance. Of course life was a lot less complicated before having Ava, but since then, I’ve constantly struggled to find balance. In everything I do.
In life BC (before children), the focus centred around finding the right work/life balance. This usually revolved around planning holidays to ensure I had the energy and focus to do well in my job. The responsibilities were to my employer, my husband and to my friends and family.
Although I still have responsibilities to these same groups, it seems so much harder now that I have Ava and I write this blog. There are so many hats to wear and I have trouble switching in and out of being:
– Daughter, sister, friend, confidant
– Studio Manager
– And Front of House (co-managing daily life and running our home).
Some of these I do well but some I don’t – because, well, because life just gets in the way. AND, there are never enough hours in the day.
I’ve been reading a great blog called The Mommy Happiness Project, written by a therapist based in the United States. She refers to the ‘should have’, ‘could have’ and ‘would have’ statements that become part of everyday life and she’s spot on. I’m forever apologising for not being good enough, being grumpy, not being able to focus, not doing the best job, being tired, not making an effort, not baking, not doing enough creative activities, not having the energy to truly engage with Ava (etc, etc).
Is it because I’m a mother and the dreaded ‘mother guilt’ has kicked in? I don’t know why but I have guilt – every day! Guilt associated with not being the best mother I can be. But somehow that same guilt has made its way into all aspects of my life. And all of this leads back to balance.
For me it’s a juggling act. To be the best mother, a good role model for my daughter, the perfect wife, a trusted and hardworking employee, a loving daughter, a valued friend, a memorable blogger – the list goes on. Some days I have to remind myself that I can’t be all of these things, but my inner bully still puts the pressure on.
I’m writing this the day before I’m due to post which means I’m way behind schedule. I chose to spend quality time with friends and family last weekend, instead of spending way too many hours writing, shooting, planning and scheduling.
I’m very glad I did, but now I’m up against it to meet my own self-imposed deadlines. (And there’s that inner bully again raising its ugly head). I’m proud of the fact that I have only missed two deadlines in the last eight months but sometimes I just need to give myself a break. No one’s going to judge me, let alone even realise, that I missed a blog post. It’s just not that important.
Jessica from The Mommy Happiness Project has created a challenge for the month of May called the 31 Day Mommy Happiness Challenge and I’ve been giving it a go. I’m hoping it gives me some relief from my guilt and inner bully.
I hope you enjoyed this more personal post and stay tuned for more like it. I’ll be launching a new category very soon. Be kind to yourself and chat soon xo